


Barging in

by MrPanicAttack



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Elrond and Elros - Freeform, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kidnap Dads, Maedhros - Freeform, Oath of Fëanor, Other, PTSD, Poor Maedhros, Suicidal Thoughts, Twins, feanorians - Freeform - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27772615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrPanicAttack/pseuds/MrPanicAttack
Summary: Maedhros is consumed by the thoughts of his past, those of which are interrupted by two particularly nosy elflings.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	Barging in

Maedhros sat silent on the spread of his bed, legs crossed, deep in thought. His breath was slow and even, pulling inky blackness in and out from his lungs. Darkness consumed the room as the blinds were drawn tight. Even a Goblin couldn’t see in this dark. Maehdros felt himself settle into his body, his heart weighted with guilt enough to crush the organs stacked below. Despite the heavy load he sat tall, sweat beading on his brow. Visions began to collect behind his eyes, joining building tears. 

In this state, Maedhros couldn’t help but recall his past. Traces of his family’s bloodlust could be found in every corner of Elvish lore. Maedhros let himself be swallowed by the darkness. Like his recurrent thoughts of what lay beyond, the emptiness was inescapable. Night comes eternal. Elfling screams and weeping mothers filled his ears.  
Hot tears felt like blood streaming down his cheeks. Both had been there before. Maehdros shut his eyes tight and let out a pathetic noise at the gush down his face. Blood still dripped off his hands from years of slaughter, countless murders and agony he knew to be preventable. 

Once, he’d stood a promise away from a land of happy Elves. A single promise he couldn’t bear to make. Something in him had never been able to rage against the fire of Fëanor. Even now, his back ached as he bent to the will of the oath. In the dark, an Elf drags his hands along the bedsheets to rid them of endless blood. 

His tears only worsened when laughter echoed outside. Little ones, too young to know the malice of the world.  
And Maedhros wept, for he knew he couldn’t protect them forever. One day, they would suffer war and starvation, illness and greed and cruelty and confusion. The feeling of hot liquid made itself present on his cheeks again.  
His actions would make a difficult life for the twins. They knew not who cared for them, nor the horrors made by the hands that fed them. Their very name was tainted by his presence.

Maedhros tore at his hair, losing more and more breath as guilt pierced his lungs with sharpened claws. How was he still alive? Why did Eru allow such things? How had he come to care for that which he had killed before? The Elf’s heavy heart sunk towards the sheets and he too, fell down into the bed. His tears were catching up with him, and it was hard, so hard to stay tall. 

Elros skipped down the manor’s empty halls, dragging a stuffed animal behind him. His little feet padded on the floor as he ran away from his brother, who was playfully giving chase.  
“Elros!! That’s my elk!” He whined in pursuit of the animal.

Elros elected not to listen, racing down the halls of the old Fëanorian manor with an imp-like giggle. Cobwebs flew through the air as he raced up the stairwell to the second floor. The elk wasn’t what was important, he was much more concerned with being chased. It was his favourite game to have Ada chase him, or even Adar if he was in a good mood.  
‘We’re headed towards their bedchambers,’ Elros thought, ‘Maybe they could join!’  
Elrond whined again, but this time it sounded agonized, deeper. Frightening. A sound that wasn’t his brother at all. Elros heard another heart wrenching sob, and understood it wasn’t his brother who’d made the noise. Worry filled his heart, and the little Elfling paused to stare at the doors to Maedhros’s room. 

Unable to stop his sprint on the smooth floor, Elrond skidded right into the stuffed elk. With it, he knocked Elros over, both twins tumbling into an Elfling puddle. Before Elrond could fuss at his brother, another low sob broke the air. Elrond felt his whole body stiffen at the outright agony in the sound. Only one voice was that deep.

“...Adar?”  
He whispered, getting to his feet. Elros grabbed for his brother’s hand. Elrond held his fingers tight. Was Adar crying again? It startled Elros to hear another sob, and another. It sounded like endless sadness. While his brother was busy thinking of a plan, the Elfling charged forth.

Maedhros sunk fully into his sheets, laying in a pile and screaming into the cushions. Nothing could heal him from this pain, not when there was so much to be healed from and so little healing deserved. He could feel his scars burn and twist against his skin. He deserved hell. He wanted it.  
Mandos would know what to do with him. How to treat him like a murderer deserved. The Elf’s hand went to his belt and felt the smooth leather of his sheath. Within lay a small but wicked knife, razor sharp to the tip. Once upon a time, it had been a gift. He unsnapped the safety and tugged its hilt just as the doors swung open. 

“Adar! Oh Adar!”

Maehdros snapped to reality with a paternal fear he hadn’t felt since the day he’d become a guardian. Alarmingly, he couldn’t bring himself to get up. His body weighed more than a soul in the void, and even the cold, stale air was crushing.  
The stone in his heart weighed him to the bed and had there been no blankets it would drag him to the floor. Maehedros tried in vain to lift himself, and failed. His children needed him, since when could he not get out of bed? The Elf could only cry harder in disgrace, he had fallen so far. He clasped a hand over his mouth and tried to silence himself, for the sake of the boys. 

While Elros was already scrambling up the sheets and onto the bed, Elrond hesitated. He didn’t know how to comfort his Adar properly yet, and simply stood by the side of the bed. Too close could make him afraid, the little Elf remembered countless instances when Ada had made it worse by accident.  
Filled with tears for the Elf who watched over him, Elrond reached onto the bed, and gently took Maedhros’s arm. He didn’t know how to fix wounds on the inside, but for Adar, he would learn.

Maedhros only cried harder when the children wrapped themselves around him, Elros cuddling into his chest and Elrond squeezing his arm to state his support. Elros pet what he could of the gigantic Fëanorian’s hair and hummed a lullaby, one Maedhros would use to sing them to sleep.  
With what will he could muster the crying ceased, and summoning bravery for the children, Maedhros lifted his heavy heart.  
Elrond was wordlessly picked up to sit on the bed, and he relished in the contact. He’d managed to help, even just a little. Maedhros wasn’t crying any longer, and he was okay to touch his Adar now. Both twins lunged to cuddle their guardian’s side. It so felt nice to be warm, to be safe, in the presence of another. It felt nice to be loved. 

“Adar?”  
“Yes, Elrond?  
“It’s okay to cry, Adar.”  
“...Thank you, little one.”

**Author's Note:**

> comment if you enjoyed <3 thank you for reading


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